twotothree

My short stint as a mother has changed a lot in me, and it’s freaking me out.

It’s a cliché that motherhood makes you more patient.  I’ve noticed this trait in myself lately.  The other day I microwaved a Lean Cuisine lunch for four minutes and didn’t pace and twitch, waiting for it to be cooked through.  But motherhood has also made me violent.  When I think of someone hurting Gloria, my blood pressure rises and I get very angry and protective.  Objectively, this may sound endearing in a mother bear kind of way.  But it becomes less so when you realize that the reaction does not vary with offense.  Whether you’re a kidnapper at a playground, or her prom date that just stood her up, I’m fully prepared to tear your jugular out with my teeth.

Another cliché is the exhausted, sleepless parents.  This is a very true cliché, but the reasons for the exhaustion change as the baby grows.  At first the eye bags and showerlessness are because baby has to eat every two hours (or, in our case, refluxy baby is puking and screaming for nineteen out of twenty-four hours of the day).  But as time goes on (and baby’s reflux gets under control), the sleeplessness is because you can’t put her down.  I get up with Gloria during her single night feeding now, and I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t spend so much time creepily smelling her face and holding her hand as she falls back to sleep.  I sit up at the head of the bed, smiling like an idiot at three, four a.m., and staring at that droopy, drooly bottom lip, mouth hanging open as she dozes.  I’m a drug addict that can’t put the heroine away.

And finally, motherhood is trying to change me into a hippie.  (Actually, a “dirty hippie,” since, if you see above, I’ve been skipping showering for creepy baby inhalation.)  Before having Gloria, I was perfectly fine having a breakfast of hormone-filled cottage cheese with a side of pesticide-laced fruit.  Now I have the crazy urge to grow my own vegetables and make my own baby food.  Who has time for that??  I’ve been dreaming of compost piles and organics.  I want to make our budget and our lifestyle more sustainable.  I want to save money wherever we can.  Sacrifice the trivial stuff to pay off our debt, get out of this house.  Be a single-car family.  Buy an electric car or a hybrid to help with the impending $6+/gallon of gas looming in our future.  I’ve become more interested in the long-term, with healthy eating and frugal living.  I’m realizing that just because you CAN afford things, doesn’t mean it’s wise to put the money into them.   

Which will be a fascinating development, as Mike and I will begin to clash more and more on these values.  I’m feeling pretty high off of my recent side-car crib victory, though, so bring it, Michael.  Because after all, healthy relationships and parenthood aren't about compromise.  They're about stubbornness and brute force of will.